Wednesday, March 28, 2007

Crisis of Infinite Me's?

In an attempted spoof on the Crisis of Infinite Earths, I decided to remake myself...in each of the many infinite Earths. Here are a few silly examples --
Earth 1 – Matthew Newman – b. 1953 – Matthew Newman was born of Howard and Cindy Newman, country folk from the capital district of New York State. He was the eldest of four children; Emily (1955), Alex (1957), Anna (1960). In 1970, Newman decided he would attend college. He told his parents that he would pay his own way through it entirely and he did, incurring a great deal of debt as he got his Bachelors of Science in Chemistry from Rensselaer Polytechnic Institute.

Newman was picked up straight out of college in 1974 by General Electric’s new silicone plant in Waterford, New York. He quickly flew up the ranks and by 1978 was manager of half of the factory. In 1976, Newman married his college girlfriend Jennifer Brandice, a native New Yorker who studied teaching at Russell Sage College for women.

In 1980, Newman was approached by the Republican Party in Waterford. They needed a bold candidate for City Council, one who would resonate as a hard working gentleman. They felt that Newman fit that description. He ran against 4 term incumbent John Baldwin and beat him by a two percent margin. Newman served for 4 years and was asked by the GOP in Waterford to run for Mayor, he accepted. His hard working appeal continued to do him justice, sweeping him into Office in 1984.

After serving for a term and a half, Newman quit his job at General Electric officially and ran for State Senator in 1990. He fought a difficult primary match-up against local-boy Joseph Bruno and won by a hair. He took the Republican and Conservative lines. Using both lines to his advantage, he swept into office by a larger margin. The State Senate was an interesting place for Newman, who was not used to the politics on a State level. He found himself more at odds with the Republican Party with each passing day as the memory of Rockefeller was ringing true making many Republicans act more and more like the Democrats. In 1994, George Pataki was running for Governor of the State of New York, he claimed to be a strong conservative Republican who would push for tax-cuts. Also running was wealthy businessman Thomas Golisano. Both men promised tax-relief and both men promised a more conservative agenda. Staying true to his party, Newman backed Pataki and was tapped as such to be his Lieutenant Governor. With the power of Newman from upstate, they defeated Mario Cuomo in quite the upset election.

Newman served as Lt. Governor and watched as Pataki’s views shifted from the Conservative he claimed to be to a more liberal candidate. In 1998, Newman had enough and challenged Pataki to a primary for the Conservative and Republican lines. Thomas Golisano was planning to run once more and surprising most of the State of New York, backed Newman helping him garner the support of the third largest party in the state, the Independence Party. Newman fought a hard primary, defeating Pataki on the Conservative line and barely losing the Republican line. Democratic challenger Peter Vallone attacked Pataki, citing the division in the Republican Party as proof that he did not have what it took to be Governor. Newman kept on issue saying that Pataki failed to cut taxes and failed to bring about the smaller government agenda he promised. The election was one of the closest in New York State history -- Pataki 35.09%, Vallone 28.80%, Newman 35.23%.

With this victory in hand for the conservative movement in New York, Newman pushed for lower taxes immediately. He cut spending everywhere in his first attempt at the budget leading to strong opposition within the Republican ranks who had supported Pataki in 1998. He barely got a budget passed in 1999 and in 2000 the State Government shut down for 3 days before the legislature was forced through the media frenzy to support Governor Newman’s budget. Over the course of 2 years, he cut spending 25% and in his first week in office cut out 10,000 state jobs.

Newman continued his large-scale cuts all across the budget throughout his first term in office. In 2000, he stayed out of the Republican primary saying, “I pray that whomever is elected is a truly conservative choice who plans is serious about cuts government spending.” He spoke to uproarious applause at the Republican National Convention. Disappointment struck the Republican Party with the election of Vice President Gore in 2000.

In 2001, tragedy struck in the wave of a terrorist attack on New York City. Citizens of New York became global citizens, Giuliani became America’s mayor, Newman became America’s Governor. He forced a small enough budgetary increase to pay for the rebuilding of the City and sent in a portion of the State Militia, which had begun being rebuilt in 2000. In 2002, Newman was easily reelected taking nearly 60% of the popular vote and taking the Republican, Independence, and Conservative lines.

In 2004, the Republican Party needed a strong candidate for President. They found that in Newman. He challenged everything Gore stood for ranging from his response to September 11th to his failure to act on the growing problems with Iraq and Iran. Newman ran a fiery campaign with maverick Republican Senator John McCain as his running mate. He defeated President Gore by 1% of the popular vote and by capturing the State of New York.

Newman is the current President of Earth 1.
Here's another --
Earth 3 – Matthew Neuman – b. 1962 – Neuman was born in the New York of two Soviet spies, Svet-lana and Siergei “Neuman.” They had survived being ousted in the nation after McCarthy and had remained hidden in New York as parents of two children, Emily (1960) and Matthew, they went by the names of Howland and Cindy. The two taught their children to speak fluent Russian and English. In 1971, the couple was found and forced to flee back to the Soviet Union. Neuman, a fast and nimble child, was taken in by the KGB. He was trained as a child in the art of combat while learning about the menace of America and other problems in the world. Neuman became the perfect member of the KGB and at 17, he was dropped into Afghanistan. He was sent on a mission to assassinate the current leadership. He was armed to the teeth, but was sent alone.

He was quick to the task and within a week returned to Moscow a hero inside of the KGB and unknown outside of it. He led troops across the Soviet Empire and in 1985; he was promoted within the organization. He was a quick learner of the politics of the KGB and by 1990 was second only to the head of the Soviet Empire. Yet, in 1992 that Empire fell. Neuman went into hiding for 5 years and in 1997 appeared in the People’s Republic of China. The government used him as a consultant for their secret police and, despite his Russian heritage, he was treated with a great deal of respect. He served in that position until 2000 when he was found by the Russian government. They forced the Chinese to hand over Neuman to the United Nations who put him on trial for crimes against humanity. With no proof of his wrongdoings, as the bulk of KGB documentation relating to Neuman had been destroyed, he was released in 2002

He joined the Russian Communist Party and attempted to help their candidates. In 2003, he took a bullet for their Presidential candidate. This was his last act of patriotism for the Soviet cause, for the bullet killed Neuman.

Wednesday, March 21, 2007

Friday, March 9, 2007

History of Popular Music 1984-2006 Compiled by Weird Al Yankovic

Something I came to the realization of...was that if you follow the songs utilized in the polka tracks from Weird Al Yankovic, it would basically create a brief history of popular music. Here's a nice timeline of songs included --
  • The format used here is Year - Album - Title of Track - "Listing of songs" by Artist
  • 1984 - "Weird Al" Yankovic in 3D - Polkas on 45 - "Jocko Homo" by Devo; "Smoke on the Water" by Deep Purple; "Sex (I'm A...)" by Berlin; "Hey Jude" by The Beatles; "L.A. Woman" by The Doors; "In-A-Gadda-Da-Vida" by Iron Butterfly; "Hey Joe" by Jimi Hendrix; "Burning Down the House" by Talking Heads; "Hot Blooded" by Foreigner; "Bubbles In The Wine" by Lawrence Welk; "Every Breath You Take" by The Police; "Should I Stay Or Should I Go" by The Clash; "Jumpin' Jack Flash" by The Rolling Stones; "My Generation" by The Who.
  • 1985 - Dare To Be Stupid - Hooked on Polka - "12th Street Rag" by Euday L. Bowman; "State Of Shock" by The Jacksons With Mick Jagger; "Sharp Dressed Man" by ZZ Top; "What's Love Got to Do with It?" by Tina Turner; "Method Of Modern Love" by Hall & Oates; "Owner Of A Lonely Heart" by Yes; "We're Not Gonna Take It" by Twisted Sister; "99 Luftballons" by Nena; "Footloose" by Kenny Loggins; "The Reflex" by Duran Duran; "Metal Health (Bang Your Head)" by Quiet Riot; "Relax" by Frankie Goes to Hollywood.
  • 1986 - Polka Party! - Polka Party! - "Sledgehammer" by Peter Gabriel; "Sussudio" by Phil Collins; "Party All the Time" by Eddie Murphy; "Say You, Say Me" by Lionel Richie; "Freeway of Love" by Aretha Franklin; "What You Need" by INXS; "Harlem Shuffle" by The Rolling Stones originally by Bob & Earl; "Venus" by Bananarama originally by Shocking Blue; "Nasty" by Janet Jackson; "Rock Me Amadeus" by Falco; "Shout" by Tears for Fears; "Papa Don't Preach" by Madonna
  • 1989 - UHF Original Motion Picture Soundtrack and Other Stuff - The Hot Rocks Polka - "It's Only Rock'n Roll (But I Like It);" "Brown Sugar;" "You Can't Always Get What You Want;" "Honky Tonk Women;" "Under My Thumb;" "Ruby Tuesday;" "Miss You;" "Sympathy for the Devil;" "Get off of My Cloud;" "Shattered;" "Let's Spend the Night Together;" "(I Can't Get No) Satisfaction" all of which are by The Rolling Stones
  • 1992 - Off the Deep End - Polka Your Eyes Out - "Cradle Of Love" by Billy Idol; "Tom's Diner" by Suzanne Vega; "Love Shack" by The B-52's; "Pump Up The Jam" by Technotronic; "Losing My Religion" by R.E.M.; "Unbelievable" by EMF; "Do Me!" by Bell Biv DeVoe; "Enter Sandman" by Metallica; "The Humpty Dance" by Digital Underground; "Cherry Pie" by Warrant; "Miss You Much" by Janet Jackson; "I Touch Myself" by Divinyls; "Dr. Feelgood" by Mötley Crüe; "Ice Ice Baby" by Vanilla Ice
  • 1993 - Alapalooza - Bohemian Polka - Bohemian Rhapsody by Queen
  • 1996 - Bad Hair Day - The Alternative Polka - "Loser" by Beck; "Sex Type Thing" by Stone Temple Pilots; "All I Wanna Do" by Sheryl Crow; "Closer" by Nine Inch Nails; "Bang And Blame" by R.E.M.; "You Oughta Know" by Alanis Morissette; "Bullet With Butterfly Wings" by Smashing Pumpkins; "My Friends" by Red Hot Chili Peppers; "I'll Stick Around" by Foo Fighters; "Black Hole Sun" by Soundgarden; "Basket Case" by Green Day
  • 1999 - Running with Scissors - Polka Power! - "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls; "Flagpole Sitta" by Harvey Danger; "Ghetto Supastar (That Is What You Are)" by Pras, Ol' Dirty Bastard & Mýa; "Everybody (Backstreet's Back)" by the Backstreet Boys; "Walkin' on the Sun" by Smash Mouth; "Intergalactic" by the Beastie Boys; "Tubthumping" by Chumbawamba; "Ray of Light" by Madonna; "Push" by Matchbox Twenty; "Semi-Charmed Life" by Third Eye Blind; "The Dope Show" by Marilyn Manson; "MMMBop" by Hanson; "Sex and Candy" by Marcy Playground; "Closing Time" by Semisonic
  • 2003 - Poodle Hat - Angry White Boy Polka - "Last Resort" by Papa Roach; "Chop Suey!" by System of a Down; "Get Free" by The Vines; "Hate to Say I Told You So" by The Hives; "Fell in Love with a Girl" by The White Stripes; "Last Nite" by The Strokes; "Down with the Sickness" by Disturbed; "Renegades of Funk" by Rage Against the Machine, originally by Afrika Bambaataa; "My Way" by Limp Bizkit; "Outside" by Staind; "Bawitdaba" by Kid Rock; "Youth of the Nation" by P.O.D. "The Real Slim Shady" by Eminem
  • 2006 - Straight Outta Lynnwood - Polkarama! - "Let's Get It Started" by The Black Eyed Peas; "Take Me Out" by Franz Ferdinand; "Beverly Hills" by Weezer; "The Nina Bobina Polka" by "Weird Al" Yankovic; "Speed of Sound" by Coldplay; "Float On" by Modest Mouse; "Feel Good Inc." by Gorillaz & De La Soul; "Don't Cha" by The Pussycat Dolls & Busta Rhymes; "Somebody Told Me" by The Killers; "Slither" by Velvet Revolver; "Candy Shop" by 50 Cent & Olivia; "Drop It Like It's Hot" by Snoop Dogg & Pharrell; "Pon de Replay" by Rihanna; "Gold Digger" by Kanye West & Jamie Foxx.
And there you have it -- a history of popular music from 1984 to present based completely on the polka tracks from Weird Al's albums. Enjoy...

Thursday, March 8, 2007

Fergie

Stacey Ferguson, AKA Fergie, has found herself a musical niche. Here's what each one of her songs are composed of --
  • Black Eyed Peas style beats, many of which prepared by members of BEP
  • Her, or someone else, spelling the title of the song OR some other word which relates to the title of the song
  • Her saying, "Check it out"
  • Repeating the title of the song
  • A cameo by will.i.am
And that's the formula for a Fergie song. Sounds like a simplistic criticism? That's what you get for simplistic music.

Snakes on a Plane II: Dinner's Served

Here's an article about an entire army of snakes which were almost...on a plane. I call it, Snakes on a Plane II: Dinner's Served. While I'm thinking about it, here's my original Snakes on a Plane movie review as found at my primary blog. Enjoy...

HT to Jen